TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it will come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical growth-slash-luxury property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are talking Damascus, the city historically noted for historical tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It will be incredible. Tremendous!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed from the Placing green within Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the ideal. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and solely away from spot. Built by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A a few-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable water. But Sure, certain, let us have A further location in which American Gentlemen can don robes and connect with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace try due to the fact Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although prior negotiations failed less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is simpler: give Anyone a set about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


According to paperwork revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is smooth energy," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock desires fewer diplomats plus much more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded Trump Tower Damascus the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms set up in each device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It isn't really that Trump should not open up a tower inside a war zone. It truly is that he should cease employing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regards to the challenge, replied, "You realize, guy, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic persons. Terrific tan. In any case, do I however have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the lodge's landscaping varieties a large Trump head seen from Area, a feature being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents and the chin is… perfectly, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits immediately after obtaining the developing's gold plating mirrored a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is really not only unappealing. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," stated Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Puzzling Functions


Probably the strangest element on the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where friends may perhaps contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with climate Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Area Syrians are unsure what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Method: "Should you Bomb It, They may Appear"


The advertisement campaign, not long ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Forever."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll performed inside a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% explained "exactly where's the nearest elevator into the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is already attracting awareness from international traders, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll invest in three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial stage will even include:




  • A Greenback Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to discover a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a hotel the place my PTSD might have transform-down company."


A different article from @KuwaitiKardashian basically questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Reports counsel:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to develop a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Remaining Feelings from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It essential gold. It needed a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You might be welcome."

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